Bahahaha my 17 year old brother wrote this for my mom for Mothers' Day

A Condensed History of Mother’s Day, but like super super condensed, and slightly fabricated, ok so a lot fabricated

Mother’s day apparently was not always to be centered on the mother, so consider yourself lucky that I am still willing to bend to rules and for one day of the year treat you as the most important person out there (God can share his thrown for one day).
In the early history similarities to mother’s day came in the form of the Egyptian prayer to a female Goddess, Isis. I think I see a resemblance between the Goddess (to the left) and yourself, in holding the belief that the staff in her hand is actually a tennis racket turned sideways.
Later on there was some more worshipping of female gods by the Romans and Asians, mostly boring. However, the celebrations of Rhea, supposedly the mother of Gods such as Zeus, became so rowdy and wild that they were eventually banned or discouraged.
The human aspect of celebrating mother’s is a more recent thing that came about with more boring events that probably aren’t significant at all, at least I assume that because I wasn’t willing to read all of it. This is why I decided to come up with a real reason for mother’s day.
At the beginning of the first century (just before birth of Jesus which started us off on our counting of the years to see how much longer our crazy civilization will last) Mary and Joseph had a terrible feud. One day Mary was suffering from terrible nausea due to her pregnancy, which she had not yet told Joseph about. She was probably too stunned by the fact that she had met an angel which told her that she would be giving birth to the son of God, and even though the dad would never be around and she’d be doing all the work, he would still be the most important person in the child’s life (as you can see, Mary was the very first housewife). In order to get Joseph out of the house (yes they were living together even though they weren’t married, it was economically ideal for during this time the stock market wasn’t doing so well and the economy was down the toilet) she convinced him that he must go out and pick her flowers, a giant bouquet, to prove his love to her, or else she would not be sure if she could marry him. Of course Mary knew that she would marry him anyway because she wasn’t about to take care of the most important baby ever by herself. But Joseph believed her anyway, and went out to pick her the most potent smelling flowers in their region. When he finally came back, Mary had built up the courage to tell her about her pregnancy. Obviously Joseph found it hard to believe that Mary could be carrying the son of God and instead believed in the much more reasonable, unfaithful, explanation. He was furious, and Mary was scared that he might leave her. As a final wish before he left, Mary asked him to smell the flowers that he had picked for her. Joseph did, but unaware that Mary had put a charm (I would have said curse, but that has too much of a negative feeling) on the flowers. With the charm inhaled by Joseph, Mary was assured that he would never leave her, for now Joseph was compelled for at least one day a year, no matter where he was, Joseph had to come back to visit Mary, the mother of Jesus, bringing her flowers and praise. This insurance was very useful to Mary, who then realized that she should use it on Jesus as well, her son, so that he, too, would have to come back at least once a year to bring her flowers and praise. If this was not done by either, the husband or son, then each would feel an enormous, unmatchable guilt, which is why, after forgetting to bring his mother flowers one year, Jesus forced himself into exile and wandered the desert for 40 days, being constantly haunted by the devil who constantly reminded him of all the things he had done besides bring his mother flowers. All of this use of the charmed flowers however had caused Mary, herself, to inhale some of the flower’s powerful odor, locking her to the same fate as her husband and son, which is why daughters also have an obligation (although joyous obligation) to bring her mother flowers as well.
There you have it, the completely factual history of mother’s days in the eyes of your son (who better is there to trust with facts such as these?). And after reading this hopefully you can take comfort in the fact that no matter how far away me or your daughter get from home, we will always return for at least (keyword: at least) one day of the year to bring you flowers and treat you like a Goddess. Oh, and happy mother’s day!

Love, Andrew

P.S. Admittedly I have no flowers for you, which left me with immense guilt forcing me to take time out of my day to research the history of mother’s day in order to achieve a higher understanding of this glorious day.